i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
