Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
