You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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