My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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