what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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