Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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