Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
