Jerry, you need to find god
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
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