How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
