By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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