sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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