1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
