great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
