enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
