Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
My penis needs a shock collar
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
