wanna go halves on a baby?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
