Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
