i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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