its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
