So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
