We won't sleep together?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
