I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
