Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
