Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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