I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
