Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
