Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
