I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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