I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
