What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
