if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
