do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
