yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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