just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
