I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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