I wish I could teleport
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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