i don't like sucking hair
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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