So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
