I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
