Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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