how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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