i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize