i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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