how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
