I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
