Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
