i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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