Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
my sisters under your porch take her home
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
