and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
