I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
