your parents love me but you hate me
it was like his penis was on wheels.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
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