Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
