So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
