I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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