atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
