Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
